I am sitting with my little boy on my lap and the first three weeks of his life have flown by and at the same time it feels as though he has always been here. This does not surprise me as I feel the same way about you. I cannot fathom how sixteen long years passed yet I find it hard to remember a time when you were not a part of my life, maybe because the prospect of that does not bare thinking about. I often have to check myself when I think about a memory I have from before you were born as my mind simply pops you in there, desire, it turns out is stronger than fact. I wanted you for so long, when I was little every time mummy went to the doctors I was convinced that I was getting a little sister, you took your time but you were worth the wait.
Having you in my life has taught me many things but the very first thing it taught me was the meaning of love at first sight. I had my first childhood crush, I cried, I wrote awful poetry, I listened to incredibly soppy songs, all the while convinced that I would never feel any emotion as strong as that one. Time moved on an I actually fell in love, this time there was less teenage angst but there was still pain, and tears, and ice cream. None of this fully prepared me for what was to come. There I stood holding my mothers hand and you appeared. The instant that I saw you I knew what the meaning of love at first sight really was. In that instant I felt that everything up to that point was practice, a way of warming my body up to get it ready for the surge of emotion I felt when I saw you, and it has never dissipated. In that instant I knew I would die for you without a moment of hesitation. In that instant I knew there was nothing you could say or do that would ever make me stop loving you. That is still true today. The next day you and mummy came home from hospital, there was no central heating and I intended to spoil you so you spent the night sleeping on my chest and I held you and it was the greatest day of my life.
As I sit here with my baby on chest I am acutely aware of how fast his childhood will go by because I have experienced this with you. It does not make me sad though because I know what treats I have ahead of me. I see him make his silly milk face and I remember when you stopped making yours. It did not make me sad when you changed and grew because each time you grew out of one thing it was replaced with something else just as wonderful. If you had stopped still in time I would not have seen it all, and it has all been fantastic so far.
Seeing you growing up has been an honour and a privilege an I am not sure about you but I am excited to see what comes next. To see what decisions you make, to see what adult you become. You are full of adventures and I am looking forward to the rest of your life.
Love Nic xx